“I’m struggling with… self-esteem.”
Self-esteem is inherently linked to self-talk. Self-talk refers to the internal monologue of our descriptive thoughts about ourselves. Internal descriptions of yourself have a cumulative effect on your sense of self. If you repeat something long enough, you will start to believe it.
Through repetition, you have started to believe negative things about yourself even when those beliefs are not logical, evidence-based, or shared by other people who know you. It is possible that your self-talk originated from an external source. Maybe this was a person who, through abuse or neglect, made you feel inferior or worthless. An oppressive community or society could also have impacted your self-esteem by repeatedly sending the message that you do not deserve justice.
Whatever the source, a self-esteem issue tells you that you have internalized beliefs about yourself that do not belong to you. Unless you critically analyze and restructure your self-talk, you will be taking the opposing side against yourself.
You have probably heard of positive affirmations as one strategy to challenge negative self-talk. The idea is that, through repetition, we can start to believe positive things about ourselves in the same manner as we’ve internalized negative beliefs that are harming self-esteem. Many people feel an aversion to positive affirmations, however. For some, it is difficult to force themselves to affirm their goodness, beauty, intelligence, and capability when they have so fully internalized the belief that they are worthless.
If this is the case for you, I recommend realistic self-talk, or grounding affirmations. These statements are more neutral than positive. They don’t require you to believe that you are amazing; they simply make you consider that you aren’t all that bad.
If I say to you, “You are a good person,” you may have a list of reasons, founded or not, why that isn’t true. However, if I observe “You are just a person,” it’s a lot harder to argue with that. Being just a person puts your perceived flaws into perspective. You’re just a person–neither an angel, nor a monster.
Here is a list of other examples of realistic and neutral grounding affirmations:
-I am doing my personal best.
-I am coping with a lot.
-I am as worthy as anyone else.
-I am allowed to take up space.
-I am allowed to be upset.
-I am allowed to make mistakes.
-My behavior is understandable.
-My feelings make sense.
Notice that these statements are not trying to convince you that you are the best, a winner, or destined for greatness. Instead, these statements are reminders that whatever your current struggle, it is no reason to bully yourself or to throw yourself away.
Low self-esteem can have deep and painful roots. Work with a compassionate therapist to develop a better understanding of the underlying reasons for your struggles with self-esteem, and how best to manage it.