“I’m struggling with… adjusting to my loved one’s new pronouns.”

*Note: in this post, they/them is used as the default pronouns for a person of unknown gender. These pronouns may be incorrect for your loved one.

Something amazing has just happened to you: someone you care about has informed you that they now go by new pronouns. They have demonstrated the enormous amount of trust they have in you, and have given you the opportunity to show how much you love them.

But maybe it doesn’t feel amazing just now. You may be struggling with the adjustment, and frightened that you will not be able to adequately express your care and support. This post lists some tips and strategies to help you attend to your mindset, confront your misgivings, and rise to the occasion.

Don’t give yourself the excuse that it’s hard. 

Your loved one has been making much more challenging adjustments and they need your support. It does not matter if the new pronoun is grammatically uncomfortable for you. It does not matter if the new pronoun changes the way you think about your loved one entirely. Supporting their growth is more important than understanding it.

Don’t give yourself the excuse that you’re worried for your loved one.

Rest assured, they are very well aware of the risks connected to living authentically in our world. This choice belongs to your loved one, and your job is to affirm them, not protect them.

Practice when your loved one is not around.

It is vital to ALWAYS use your loved one’s correct pronouns, no matter who you are with. This will help you to rewire your brain and grow accustomed to the change. It will also signal to others that your loved one has your full support, without exception. Make a point to initiate conversations about your loved one with others, and hold each other accountable for speaking about them correctly.

When you mess up, correct yourself quickly and move on.

You may be tempted to apologize profusely, explain yourself, or reassure your loved one that you really are trying. Don’t do this! When you have these big reactions to misgendering your loved one, you actually put them in the position of comforting you. Instead, try to simply correct yourself as quickly as you can and allow the conversation to proceed. If you are unable to catch the mistake in the moment, make a point to acknowledge it afterward but keep it simple and brief. In this way, you can take accountability without putting undue emotional labor on your loved one.

Learn to correct others who misgender your loved one with efficiency, clarity, and kindness.

Jump in to correct misgendering, whether it occurs in your loved one’s presence or not. Once again, keep it simple and brief, make yourself clear, and allow the conversation to move on. This is a skill that will take practice, so don’t be shy!

Talk with someone if you are feeling confused or resistant for any reason.

In order to support your loved one, you need support as well. Take this opportunity to seek therapy and education. The harder you work to learn and resolve your feelings, the less burden is placed on your loved one. 

If you are need of support as you face these challenges, use the contact info below to schedule your free consultation!