“I’m struggling with…communicating with my partner.”

Conflict occurs naturally in any relationship, but this post specifically refers to conflict that does not involve abuse or dishonesty. Common obstacles to effective communication with a partner:

One or both of you is trying to win.

This mindset means that you will not be open to your partner’s perspective. When they are talking, you will be preparing your next statement. Or maybe you will be listening to what they say but only paying attention to points you can refute in order to prove them wrong. If you see your partner as your opponent, resolution of the conflict means that someone has to lose, which means sacrificing a need instead of having it understood. 

Successful communication requires both parties to acknowledge valid points and experiences on either side of the conflict. In order to fight fair and communicate well, we have to give up on keeping score and recognize that being united is more important than being right. 

You want them to do differently, but they hear you asking them to be different.

The difference here is substantial, but can be difficult to pick apart in practice. When someone is on the defensive, they are prone to over-identify with problematic behaviors. And when someone is angry and critical, they are more likely to frame conflict as a matter of character, rather than habits. For example, different preferences regarding cleanliness in a shared space might be framed as one person being an uncaring partner. Forgetfulness and lack of attention to detail can be framed as a person being neglectful. 

If you have a grievance, you are right to communicate it and request that a behavioral change be made. However, it is important to be specific about the change you want to see, and to avoid problematizing your partner’s personality or way of being. 

Confusing empathy and mind-reading.

In relationships we want to be empathic, and to be empathized with. This desire is strong enough that it can lead us to expect too much of ourselves and our partners. We might be fantasizing about a level of mutual insight and comprehension that would require actual telepathy, and it is important to recognize if we are asking for something unrealistic.

In order to do your part in the relationship, you will need to communicate–potentially more than you think you should have to. This means expressing thoughts and feelings which you think should be obvious to anyone who is paying attention. This means asking questions about your partner’s feelings which you think you already know the answers to.

Assuming role of expert on your partner.

You know this person so well. After all, they’re one of your favorite people. It is tempting to think you know them at least as well as they know themself. 

However, your partner is the true expert on themself and their experience. Ignoring their expertise puts you at risk of invalidating their feelings and causing them to feel alienated in the relationship.

Your perspective is valuable and may even be solicited by your partner, but it is not a good use of your time to try and educate them about themself. Focus instead on giving them insight into how they affect you–in other words, how you react to them. You are, after all, the expert on yourself.

Your partner thinks it’s resolved, but you’re still hurting.

This might happen because you have perceived pressure to let it go and move on before actual repair has taken place. When we are working through something painful with a partner, we badly want a neat resolution. However, this is not always possible, and pretending otherwise can lead to situations where our wound has been festering while a partner was completely unaware.

Often, immediate resolution is not possible, and difficult conversations need to be ongoing. We have to be willing to sit with hurt feelings, and partners have to be willing to do the same. Don’t hurry yourself toward a forgive and forget.

If you find yourself struggling with any of these communication blockages, use the contact info below to seek out support from a caring therapist.