“I’m struggling with… coming out.”

Coming out as a queer person is a unique experience for everyone, but is almost universally stressful. If you are preparing to share sensitive information about yourself, you may be feeling uneasy and uncertain about a lot of things.

Maybe it’s surprising to realize how many people you need or want to come out to. You may be  questioning your safety and security in any or all of your relationships. You may be worried about losing connection, a sense of belongingness, or even experiencing something traumatic as a result of coming out. 

It makes sense that you are stressed! There truly is no way to predict how people will respond to you when you come out. It is always possible you will be surprised–surprised because they react with love and support, surprised because they do not.

Because it is hopeless trying to control the behavior of anyone else in this process, it is very important to be mindful about your own actions and mindset. As you come out, you are your most important ally.

Here are some things to consider and focus on as you prepare for a stressful, but important series of conversations.

Determine why coming out is important to you. 

Reflect on these questions to better understand what coming out means to you:

What is driving your decision to come out at this time? 

What do you expect will change about your life once you have come out? 

How will being out improve your life? 

What are the consequences for you and others if you do not come out?

Consider your own values. 

Reflect on the values that might be driving your decision to come out at this time. Keep these values in mind so that you remain mindful that coming out is ultimately about what is best for you.

Values related to coming out may include:

autonomy, authenticity, belonging, mutuality, self-respect, adventure, transformation, growth

Radical acceptance. 

Prepare to lean into radical acceptance if others react to you coming in out in a negative way. This means accepting their limitations and the work they have to do. This means accepting your own feelings of anger and disappointment.

You may need to accept that new boundaries are necessary with that person, and that it is not your responsibility to change their mind. Accept that your only responsibility is to go on existing authentically. Accept that you need support from people you can fully trust right now. 

Coming out is a stressful, exciting, and challenging process that is different for everyone. Work with a therapist to process your feelings and needs!